My Great Enemy

When I was putting the girls to sleep last night, we said a a short metta prayer. "Metta" means loving kindness. We had begun by first wishing for ourselves by saying - "May I be well and happy. May I be free from troubles. May I be healthy and peaceful". Then we said - "May my relatives(wife, sisters, grandparents and uncles/aunties) be well and happy...." . I was leading and had just begun to end the prayer by saying, 'May our enemies.." when it struck me as odd that I was using the word 'enemy' as it implied that we harboured ill will towards some other. Before I could correct myself, Kay asked if I had enemies. While I like to think that I had none, I said yes. She asked who that was. I said she knows who it was. As a hint to her, I said that each of us has a great enemy. She quickly answered - 'I know - Your emotions'. Precisely.
And sure enough the great enemy surface today. I had just picked the girls up from their regular Saturday kids yoga class. Nai hit Kay when Kay said something in the car. I asked Nai to get down from the car. She refused and I physically tried to dislodge her. She was strong and had put up a struggle. I succeeded but she cried saying that I had hurt her leg. I was upset in the process of removing her and could see that it was pure emotions which driving all my actions at that point in time. The voice of the rational higher mind was no where to be heard. The result certainly had been unfavourable. I should have just drove home straight and left the kids in the porch by themselves to figure out for themselves where they went wrong. Instead, I had fought emotions with emotions. Fire with fire. Like the saying, 'When you throw fire, you will be the first to be burnt". My future wise action is that I should do nothing if I was getting upset, to not touch the kids and remove myself from such a situation.

Argument

My brother Bert and Dad just had an argument. Bert accused Dad of having taken something from him and not returning it . Dad said no such thing. They started to get abusive toward each other and ended up with a shouting match interspersed with foul words.
It isn't just children who get into arguments. Adults too. But with greater viciousness and usually with dire long term consequences. It just goes to show that wisdom does not come with age.
It does not matter who is right or who is wrong. If one observes an argument, the primary elements in play are our emotions and our ego. When emotions take control, we say and do things which are hurtful to the other. Things which we usually regret later after we allow ourselves to reflect and think about the event. Even if we didn't regret the pain we caused others, the event had also caused us to suffer. So it is very important to observe how an argument arises and how to avoid it from escalating. It usually arises when we are accused of something. It does not matter whether there is any basis for the accusation. We will interprete the accusation as an attack. With any attack our spontaneous reaction is to defend by counter attacking. When we respond in this way, there is hardly any conscious thought here. It is all emotionally based. To have emotions be the driving force of our next course of action is fatal because from our daily life observations, we can see how unreliable our feelings can be. As an example, see how exaggerated our fears can sometimes be compared to the reality of a situation. Because of this, most of the time we are overreacting. So what do have to do? Stay in control. Otherwise two persons losing control in an argument can only guarantee mutual destruction, definately not the favoured outcome. How does one stay in control? Slow down. Watch the event with detachment. Notice that a lot of the things that are happening are actually your reaction to your thoughts of the split second messages which your senses are receiving. Watch your breath and the event with this awareness. Accept that the other person is ignorant of his behaviour and that he is being directed by his foolish emotions. That you will have to wait for another time to discuss the matter with the person when the person is more ready to listen. Because you know that the best response to a closed mind is to give no response. And an angry emotional mind is a closed mind. It is just not worth it. You don't want to compound a problem with another problem of having to soothen the hurt feelings caused by things said or done in the heat of an argument. Much less that you have to resolve the original problem which started the argument in the first place. This approach not reacting(or overreacting) but instead to make a conscious chosen respond takes a bit of practise to master. Start with being aware of the little things which upset you first and watch how you respond. Make your move a wise move. Or better still, no move.